Because Brian was so evasive on the matter, I decided that I really needed to have a strong answer to my prayers that this was the right thing for us to do. Brian is a hard-headed guy, but he will always listen to the spirit, and will always do what God asks of him. He is an incredible man that way. I knew that he would have no problem turning me down, but I knew he wouldn't turn down God.
So, I knelt in one of the most sincere prayers I have ever said and asked, "Is this what you want me do?" I have had very few times in my life that my whole being was overwhelmed by the spirit in such an undeniable way as it was this time. The answer came in the most interesting way. I had a flashback of all the times in my life I had thought about adoption, of all the people I had ever known that had adopted, of my dream, of my conversation with my mother about the dream, about the Oprah show. It came in complete chronological order and it was as if God was showing me how He had led me to this point, how he had been preparing me for it for so many years.
I wanted to share my experience with Brian, but when I tried, he just told me it wasn't a good time to talk about it. He was so upset with me for pursuing the idea and refused to acknowledge the possibility. Over the course of the next two weeks, his negativity on the matter made me question my personal revelation. I also began reading many negative experiences on the internet about adopting older boys. One story in particular, the little boy had been a child soldier in the war. When he came to America, he could not adapt and was found strangling the neighbor girl. Fear gripped my heart. I know I am a strong woman, but that is more than I can handle. I knew that I could not do anything to jeopardize my biological children's safety. I became so concerned, I almost scrapped the whole idea.
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