The DNA tests came back negative. The woman is not Diamond and Florence's mother. It sounds like she is not even related. I have no idea what to do. I don't know what is going to happen. I feel like I have had the wind knocked out me. I can't breathe.
The thing is that I somehow knew this was going to happen. Wednesday, I had a panic attack like I have never had. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, my head was spinning. I felt like something was terribly wrong, but couldn't pinpoint what it was. I think I knew that this was coming and I wasn't ready for it, I was fighting it, hoping it wouldn't be true. I have prayed so hard for miracles, and the more I pray the worse things get. I don't know how to have hope anymore because the things I hope for seem to fall apart before my eyes. However, as a friend of mine says, hope always seems to creep back in, no matter how much we keep trying to beat it back. It hurts to hope and be disappointed, but without hope, I have nothing. I still hope that Diamond and Florence will be able to come home to us. But more than anything, I hope that someday I understand what lesson it is God is trying to teach me. Right now it is all I can do to stay afloat. But I know someday when all is said and done, I will be able to look back and say, "Oh, I see now." I'm not there yet.
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