The Birth Family Dilemma

The matter of communicating with Florence's and Diamond's birth family has caused me great strife. Initially, I thought it would be best to talk about them often and try to keep the memories alive in the children's young minds. I thought that calling on the phone and allowing the children to send money or be in regular contact would be the best thing for the children as they grew up. I admit that it does cause my heart a bit of jealousy and stirs a sense of competition in me that is probably not the most charitable of reactions when Florence cries for them over me. But, I am stronger than that and I could overcome this pettiness if I truly felt it in the best interest of the children to keep up the communication. Yet, as I have really comtemplated the situation and the possible outcomes, and, most importantly, the plan God has for all of us, I have decided to not seek out communication with the birth families anymore. That is to say, besides sending the post placement reports that the birth families can see, and then keeping pictures and information about the birth family and tribe that the children can access if they feel the need.

Before you throw stones, let me explain. Of course I allow them to talk about them if they choose to. Diamond never does this, but occasionally Florence will share some really interesting, sometimes disturbing stories about life before the orphanage. However, most of the stories are woven with the wild imagination of a child, stemming from the whispering memories of a three year old. For example, she just told me about jumping on a trampoline with her Grandma Cecelia in Liberia. 'Oh, really', I thought, 'I didn't know there were any trampolines in Liberia--especially in refugee camps:).' I can see that many of her memories are merging with experiences in her new life. Occasionally, Florence will get very sad and cry because she misses her grandma and her "sister Angel" (I actually have no idea who that might be). I remind her how lucky she is that she has so many mothers and grandmothers that love her and care for her. If I tell her that Sophia only has one mommy, she feels much better because she always likes to be one up on Sophia. But her connections are slowly fading between her birth family as her bond to us strengthens.

There are very strong emotions that well up in me as I think about this loss of memories and connections. The day that I left the orphanage with those children in my arms and watched their birthmothers hiding their tears, I thought, what if the roles were reversed? Could I give up my children to give them a better life? Could I trust that this complete stranger will care for my children the way I would? How can I live knowing I may never see these children again? For the most part, the mothers in Liberia don't give their children up because they are unwanted, they give them because they have no choice. Without a chance at going to America, the children will be hungry, often homeless, and definitely uneducated their entire lives--not to mention suffer through countless bouts of malaria, hepatitis, parasites, and possible AIDS. The sacrifice these mothers make are some of the most Christlike actions any woman has or will ever make. I can never thank these woman enough for the gift they have given me. In John 15:13, it reads: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. This scripture talks about giving up one's life in order to give life to another person. I feel like this could also apply to adoption. A mother that is willing to selflessly give up this life she has created in order for the child to have a better chance at life and to give the gift of life to another mother whose arms ache for a chance to raise a child--she is truly one who has sacrificed part of her life to give the gift of life to others. I am not sure if my take on that scripture makes sense to others, but I believe that these birthmothers that give this gift will be greatly blessed and in the next life their sacrifices will be magnificently rewarded. So, that being said, know that I love the birthmothers of my children--they are incredible women. Their strength puts me to shame. I don't know that I would be capable of changing places with them. Thank God that this is not what He requires of me. But everyday I feel a certain weight of responsibility to make these mothers proud.

Knowing these mothers' love for their children makes this decision more difficult for me. Maybe circumstances will change my mind down the road, but for now I feel this is best. I feel that because of my children's ages, it is somewhat confusing to them (especially Diamond), to try to keep emotional connections with both families. I feel that there is some sort of loyalty issue that confuses them, that if they love one family, then they are betraying the other family. All of this is over their heads and they can't emotionally sort out their feelings. Seeing that, I realized that I need to allow the connections to fade from their African mothers and for them to fully accept and acclimate to their new family. I think it is crucial to their future emotional well-being. I know without a doubt that these children were meant to come to my family. I believe it was part of God's plan for me all along. They will be part of this family for eternity. I also believe that this life is only for a moment and that what comes after really sorts out a lot of the struggles and losses we suffer in this life. To me it is like a person who loses their spouse after a relatively short marriage. When this person remarries, often there is this feeling that they are betraying their immense love for the first spouse, or there is the confusion of who you would want to be sealed to in the next life (for those of you that don't know all of my religious beliefs, I know this sounds weird and confusing--but feel free to ask me questions if you're curious). Having my husband be a soldier has made me think about this a lot. The thing that I have come up with is that things look very different on the other side. We understand so much more when our shallow views of the world and people are lifted. Things that we often complicate in our finite minds are simplified by the pure love of Christ, which sheds light on so many things. I don't know how it all turns out, who gets the spouse, who gets the kids, etc. However, I think, first of all, it probably doesn't work like that there, and, second of all, I believe that broken hearts are mended, offenses are forgiven, mysteries are understood, and our love for each other is infinitely increased. So, what I am saying is that I believe that the birth mothers of Diamond Florence will be blessed and will see their children again and be with them again. If not in this life, definitely in the next! In the meantime, I will do everything I can to ensure that I teach them well and give them the tools they need to make a difference in this world.