Lessons Learned from the Adoption Process

Sadly, I must admit I am not perfect, in fact, far from it. This experience of adopting has definitely brought out some of my inherent flaws. I knew going into this process that I was not a patient person, I was prepared to battle myself on that one. I didn't realize how overly dramatic, obsessive, and controlling I am. I am embarrassed by my reactions to the stress that this adoption has brought. I would love to think that I am graceful under fire, but I have realized "grace" is not a natural reaction to adversity, it's one that requires a lot of prayer and practice. I suppose in that regard, I should be grateful for this particular practice session. I know that most of what we go through in life is meant to make us more Christlike. Yet, I have found that when entering a challenge, we are deficient of the needed qualities, eventually, as we come out the other side we have acquired all kinds of new spiritual and emotional skills. One would think that then the next time a challenge arises, it would easily conquered. However, I now know that each summit yet to climb is higher and more difficult than the previous one. Once again, we will go in lacking and come out stronger. It is the staircase process of personal refinement. I am still waiting for the "stronger" portion to be allotted to me from this particular climb.

I have really had to ward off feelings of depression the last several months. I hate not being in control of everything. I am a woman of action. I take charge, I organize, I get things done. I don't like depending on others. That may be exactly the reason God saw fit to have me be an Army wife, have five children, and then adopt two internationally. All situations that require patience and turning things over to him. You would think that I would be an expert by now, but no, I still struggle immensely with this. I have such a hard time letting go--relinquishing power to others, even to God. The less power I have, the more obsessive I become, then the more obsessive I become the more depressed I feel.

I have been very blessed to make friends that are going through the same experiences I am. My sister, last night, shared the perfect quote from C.S. Lewis (I may be slightly off with my wording, but bear with me): "True friendship occurs when you meet some one that says 'You, too? I thought I was the only one.'" It has been a blessing, but it has also been a cursing for me. Now, I am too aware of the situation, reiterating to me my helplessness to change things or take control. First, there was the passport issue that frustrated me, now there is the new embassy changes that are causing all sorts of problems. There is nothing I can do, whatsoever, except pray. Yet, I still try to take action by obsessively checking the computer for news and updates. I really don't think a ten minute lapse in time will offer up too much new information, yet, impulsively I still log on! It is infringing upon the other aspects of my life, and I know that this is not how it is suppose to be. I am afraid to let go, admit there is absolutely nothing I can do, yet, I feel that this is too heavy for me to carry alone. It is making me tired and sad.

Christ said, "Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." It is time for me to just let it go and know that it will all turn out alright. It was God's urging that got me here in the first place, so obviously, he will take care of the details. It's time I admit that this is bigger than I am, but definitely not more than God can solve. It will all work out and it will all be okay.