After my job interview in Seoul, I was incredibly conflicted. Several other job options arose, and I decided to pursue all of them. I figured I would throw all my cards in the air and see which ones landed in front of me. Nothing seemed to be working out. I kept receiving emails from the company in Seoul. They were very excited to work with me. They were willing to do extra training and pay extra money for someone to meet the Washington state supervisor qualifications. They wanted to arrange my travel for free. They were printing me business cards. Everything, in regards to this particular opportunity, was not only falling into place, but exceeding my expectations.
I kept praying and thinking about whether I could, first and foremost, meet my obligations as a mother and assure that my children were well cared for--and still work three times a week in Seoul. Several things happened. First, we realized that our children need to get out of our apartment. It is too challenging to raise seven children in a small apartment on the 6th floor, with no yard, no playground, no friends, no neighborhood. We arranged for the children to do summer camp 8 to 5 pm every day during the summer on Camp Walker. They will get to play with friends, go to the pool, go on field trips and do all kinds of great activities. Even if I was at home all the time, I still think that they would need to go to summer camp. Also, Brian got new providers in his clinic that have greatly taken the load off of him. That means he will have no problem getting home to pick the children up from camp by 5 pm, and then he will be home to care for the children while I am gone.
Another clincher has come in the last few weeks now that I have quit seeing clients and finished all my coursework--I CANNOT stand to be at home with nothing to do. I don't do relaxation well. I am happiest when I have a purpose. . . a purpose bigger than washing the same dishes and underwear over and over again. I am a better mother when my vessels are filled and I have something to offer my children from my own sense of happiness and fulfillment. That is a very fine line to walk between making sure you have your own sense of accomplishment separate from motherhood, but also making sure that motherhood is your greatest accomplishment. After a great deal of prayer and discussions with my husband, we feel that this is where I am supposed to be afterall. I am glad that my feelings were initially conflicted about taking the job. It inspired some intense introspection and self-exploration to find, not only what I most desire, but what the Lord actually requires of me.
This is a sudden change in direction, and I must admit that leaving the home to work does not come without a great deal of guilt and a need to adjust my Mormon homeaker paradigm. If there is one thing that I have learned without doubt over the last few years, it is that we all have our own purpose and calling in life--and we must each embark upon our own spiritual journey to find that purpose. Others cannot tell us how it should be. The gospel offers guidelines, but the specifics must come from our own personal inspiration. And one person's path will never be another person's path. My patriarchal blessing very clearly gave me the answer in this case, I just need to relinquish my fears and dogmatism. For whatever purpose under heaven it may be, our family was meant to stay in Korea a third year and I was supposed to take this job in Seoul. Sometimes it takes years or even decades to see how all things "work together for [our] good," but I know they always do.
I will go up to Seoul Mondays after I teach seminary. I will stay overnight every Monday night in Seoul and return Tuesday evening after work. I will be home with the family (and doing a lot of cleaning, I would guess) on Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I will then work all day Fridays. The opportunities to learn, grow, and help others is substantial. I love what I do and I know that God has given me a special gift for it. But because he's given me a gift, then I have a responsibility to use it to make a difference in the world. This is the opportunity he has given me to do so. I'm really looking forward to it and feel a great sense of peace about my choice.
I kept praying and thinking about whether I could, first and foremost, meet my obligations as a mother and assure that my children were well cared for--and still work three times a week in Seoul. Several things happened. First, we realized that our children need to get out of our apartment. It is too challenging to raise seven children in a small apartment on the 6th floor, with no yard, no playground, no friends, no neighborhood. We arranged for the children to do summer camp 8 to 5 pm every day during the summer on Camp Walker. They will get to play with friends, go to the pool, go on field trips and do all kinds of great activities. Even if I was at home all the time, I still think that they would need to go to summer camp. Also, Brian got new providers in his clinic that have greatly taken the load off of him. That means he will have no problem getting home to pick the children up from camp by 5 pm, and then he will be home to care for the children while I am gone.
Another clincher has come in the last few weeks now that I have quit seeing clients and finished all my coursework--I CANNOT stand to be at home with nothing to do. I don't do relaxation well. I am happiest when I have a purpose. . . a purpose bigger than washing the same dishes and underwear over and over again. I am a better mother when my vessels are filled and I have something to offer my children from my own sense of happiness and fulfillment. That is a very fine line to walk between making sure you have your own sense of accomplishment separate from motherhood, but also making sure that motherhood is your greatest accomplishment. After a great deal of prayer and discussions with my husband, we feel that this is where I am supposed to be afterall. I am glad that my feelings were initially conflicted about taking the job. It inspired some intense introspection and self-exploration to find, not only what I most desire, but what the Lord actually requires of me.
This is a sudden change in direction, and I must admit that leaving the home to work does not come without a great deal of guilt and a need to adjust my Mormon homeaker paradigm. If there is one thing that I have learned without doubt over the last few years, it is that we all have our own purpose and calling in life--and we must each embark upon our own spiritual journey to find that purpose. Others cannot tell us how it should be. The gospel offers guidelines, but the specifics must come from our own personal inspiration. And one person's path will never be another person's path. My patriarchal blessing very clearly gave me the answer in this case, I just need to relinquish my fears and dogmatism. For whatever purpose under heaven it may be, our family was meant to stay in Korea a third year and I was supposed to take this job in Seoul. Sometimes it takes years or even decades to see how all things "work together for [our] good," but I know they always do.
I will go up to Seoul Mondays after I teach seminary. I will stay overnight every Monday night in Seoul and return Tuesday evening after work. I will be home with the family (and doing a lot of cleaning, I would guess) on Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I will then work all day Fridays. The opportunities to learn, grow, and help others is substantial. I love what I do and I know that God has given me a special gift for it. But because he's given me a gift, then I have a responsibility to use it to make a difference in the world. This is the opportunity he has given me to do so. I'm really looking forward to it and feel a great sense of peace about my choice.
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