Finding our Sef-Worth as Women of God

Seoul English Speaking District Women’s Conference 17 March 2012:
“The Pivotal Role of Women in the Last Days: The Lord’s Vision for His Daughters”
Jessica Top Simons
Unedited notes

In the epic story of C.S. Lewis’ Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, there is a magnificent and critical battle at the end of the story. I am sure most of you have seen the recent movie, and can visualize the scene in the movie.

The evil forces of the White Witch have come against Aslan, the children and the forces of goodness. The evil comes in all sorts of hideous, dangerous and aggressive forms. It seems overwhelming to Aslan’s forces as their strongholds are falling to the left and to the right. If you remember, the men and two brothers were being surrounded and overrun by the White Witch’s power. But the two young women remain close to Aslan and become the last stronghold against the evil soldiers.

This fictional representation is a perfect metaphor for the battle against evil that we are currently waging. Like Lucy and Susan, we, the women of the Relief Society, have stayed closest to our Savior and comprise the last great stronghold against wickedness.

Sister Ives recently spoke in our ward and stated her belief that the sisters of Zion are now the latest target of Satan’s onslaught. He has already surrounded and overwhelmed the masses. He has diverted many of the men. And now Satan knows that to topple society and families once and for all, he must destroy the women—“the keepers of the hearth.” (See “Daughters in My Kingdom.)

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I work with many women—women who are soldiers, women who are single and childless, women who are wives, those who are mothers both single and married. I have heard their stories of sadness and heartbreak. I have listened as they express feelings of failure, restlessness as they seek for purpose. I have heard their secrets of deep personal insecurities, and at times, even feelings of self-loathing.

Because of this, I have come to firmly believe that Satan’s most hideous foot soldiers, specially designed to attack women, are the relentless feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, feelings of being unappreciated and being lost.

Elder Ballard also indentified such feelings when he expressed his observations of women and mothers: “There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony and frustration.” (Daughters of God, April 2008 General Conference.)

Sister Ives also told a story of her friend, a mother of five children, who recently left her family for life with another man. As she relayed this story to us, I couldn’t help but see the situation through the clinical experience that I have. My guess is that this woman had for a long time questioned her worth. She felt lost and unfulfilled in her marriage. She had, perhaps, forgotten how to nourish her marriage as she sought superficial ways to find self-esteem. In her moments of personal despair, I would guess that Satan tempted her to take solace in the accolades of the world. She found validation, albeit hollow and fraudulent, in the flattering attraction of another man. My heart breaks for this woman and for this family. For truly, “wickedness never was happiness” (Alma 41:10).

Satan is very adept at convincing women that they are inferior to others and unimportant as wives, mothers and as women who seek virtuous lives. Because in those moments of uncertainty, our guards are down and we are most easily diverted from the things of God as we seek for worldly value.

For those of us who work within the home, we may see women who have many academic degrees and high power positions and feel inferior. For some of us, we spend a good share of our lives barefoot and pregnant. We have business meetings with the dishes in the sink. We have our grungy pair of sweats and occasionally we dress up in our nice pair of sweats. It’s hard to feel beautiful at times like this. We often begin to feel marginalized and insignificant in comparison to others.

We see the beauty magazines featuring gorgeous faces and perfect bodies and consequently, we feel fat, ugly and hopelessly unattractive and unloveable. As a result, we may seek for value in any way we can find it. We might think that if we get this make up or that Coach bag or this nip and tuck procedure, we will finally know who we are. Or perhaps we put our energy into seeking extensive education or higher salaries to define our worth. As we do these things, we are naturally seeking for worldly validation from colleagues, friends, our husbands, even men who are not our husbands. This validation is like trying to hold water cupped in your hand as you go jogging, very quickly it leaks out and there is nothing left.

One of the things that I am trained in as a therapist is to help individuals come to their own definition of self that is not reliant on outside validation. You can tell someone they are beautiful, wonderful, smart, but until they believe it themselves, until they ALLOW themselves to believe it, it cannot be solidified. No outside source of validation can ever be a substitute for what we must know and cherish within ourselves. That inner knowledge of self can only come through the whisperings of the Holy Ghost as we seek to become more like Christ. True validation comes from that still small voice deep inside of you that says, “You are a beautiful daughter of God. You are making a difference in the world.”

Julie Beck said: We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. (“And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit” April 2010 GC.)

One of the most important principles I learned in life came from my economics class at BYU 17 years ago. That is the concept of opportunity cost. This states that a single resource cannot be expended in two places.

For example, we can’t spend the same $20 on two different things or spend the same hour of our time in two different places. We must choose. In spiritual terms, the scriptures put it quite simply: “No man can serve two masters.”

In 1 Kings 18:21 The prophet Elijah asks the children of Israel a poignant, yet simple question, one that is highly applicable to us today, “How long halt ye between atwo opinions? if the LORD be God, bfollow him: but if Baal, then follow him.”

We cannot have it both ways. Elder Robert D. Hales teaches us that light and darkness cannot occupy the same space, neither can hope and fear. Along these same lines, I would like to add to this concept that vanity and charity also cannot occupy the same space in our lives. This is the very meaning of opportunity cost. The energy we are using in vain pursuits cannot be simultaneously utilized to serve the Lord. If we attempt to have it both ways, we are inevitably setting ourselves up for discouragement, confusion and despair.

Let me first define vanity and charity as I use them in this context:
Vanity=pride, selfishness, seeking worldly acceptance and worldly gain.
Pres. Benson explained:
"Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.
The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.” (“Beware of Pride” April 1989 GC).

Charity=is the Pure Love of Christ which can only be acquired through humility, repentance and selfless service. In essence Charity=sanctification as we become like Christ through his atonement.
Henry B. Eyring: "Charity [is]. . . far more than a feeling of benevolence. Charity is born of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and is an effect of His Atonement working in the hearts of the members. . . "(“Enduring Legacy of Relief Society, October 2009 GC.)

I put together a side-by-side chart to help us understand specifically how we cannot seek to serve two masters, or halt between two opinions if we are to fully know our eternal worth. As I prepared for this talk, I contemplated the many ways that we as women seek self-esteem through things of the world and the ways we may seek for value through turning to our Savior. I found that for every choice there is an opportunity cost. This chart is by no means comprehensive, but is meant to provoke us all to thought as we encounter Satan’s ploys and temptations trying to dissuade us from finding our true personal potential as women of God. Satan knows best of all that we cannot have it both ways.

For every choice we make in the category of Vanity and Pride we are inevitably taking away an equal and opposite action that would move us toward Charity and Sanctification--because we cannot have it both ways. Vanity and Charity cannot occupy the same space in our hearts and in our actions.

Vanity/Pride
Comparing ourselves with others

Charity/Sanctification
Being truly happy for others’ successes

C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (1960),: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

Vanity/Pride:
Jealousy Insecurity (naturally focuses us inward)

Charity/Sanctification:
Christlike love
Confidence in the Lord and ability to focus on helping others.

English author John Ruskin wrote: “the first test of a truly great [wo]man is [her] humility. I do not mean, by humility, doubt of h[er] own power. … [But really] great [wo]men … have a curious … feeling that … greatness is not in them, but through them. … And they see something Divine … in every other man … , and are endlessly, foolishly, incredibly merciful.”

Vanity/Pride:
Gossip about other Sisters/Families

Charity/Sanctification:
Effective visiting teaching/true friendship

Howard W. Hunter: “You are chosen to be faithful women of God in our day, to stand above pettiness, gossip, selfishness, lewdness, and all other forms of ungodliness. Recognize your divine birthright as daughters of our Heavenly Father.” (“To the Women of the Church, Oct. 1994 GC.)

Vanity/Pride:
Judge others

Charity/Sancitification
Love others

Quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

Vanity/Pride:
Selfish ambition

Charity/Sanctification:
Seeking to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands

Thomas S. Monson: When we qualify ourselves by our worthiness, when we strive with faith nothing wavering to fulfill the duties appointed to us, when we seek the inspiration of the Almighty in the performance of our responsibilities, we can achieve the miraculous. (“You Make a Difference, Apr. 1988 GC.)

Vanity/Pride:
Sexiness

Charity/Sanctification:
Virtue

Brigham Young: “retrench in everything that is bad and worthless, and improve in everything that is good and beautiful.” (See Daughters in My Kingdom, p. 45.)

Vanity/Pride:
Thinking that we are right and others are wrong
Anger/Blame/Defensiveness

Charity/Sanctification:
Understanding that each person has their own spiritual journey to take
Forgiveness/Apologies/Patience

A soft word turneth away wrath and softens hearts. But another angry word only serves to fuel the fire and create greater contention in our relationships with others. Believe me, I witness this every day I am working! Getting just one member of the family to apologize and forgive will change the entire future course of the family. But they must let go of the blaming and anger in order for forgiveness to take hold.

Matt. 5: 9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Vanity/Pride:
Career comes first

Charity/Sanctification:
Family comes first

Joseph F. Smith: "There can be no genuine happiness separate and apart from the home, and every effort made to sanctify and preserve its influence is uplifting to those who toil and sacrifice for its establishment. Men and women often seek to substitute some other life for that of home, and that the highest liberty is the fullest opportunity to move about at will. There is no happiness without service and there is no service greater than that which converts the home into a divine institution and which promotes and preserves family life." (As quoted by M. Russell Ballard, “What Matters Most is What Lasts the Longest, Oct. 2005 GC.)

Vanity/Pride:
Criticizing/negativity/fault-finding

Charity/Sanctification:
Compliments/Positivity/building others

I once had a family in my office, where the daughter cried out in anger against her mother, “I can’t ever do anything right. My mother thinks I’m worthless!” The mother stopped and responded, “No, honey, I love you and I think you’re amazing but. . .” and for the rest of the session this mother proceeded to criticize almost everything about her daughter. Once again, you cannot have it both ways. The mean words are always the ones that are most easily recalled, especially by those we claim to love the most. And generally speaking, the unkind things we say to others are merely a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." –Mother Teresa

Vanity/Pride:
Entitlement issues
Complaining/murmuring

Charity/Sanctification:
Gratitude
Seeking light and knowledge

Compare the experiences of Nephi vs. Laman and Lemuel—the more the older brothers complained, the less they seemed to understand. However, Nephi spent the time that his brothers were murmuring seeking guidance from the Lord and his faith was magnified.

Vanity/Pride:
Power

Charity/Sanctification:
Wisdom (which can only come through inspiration from the Holy Ghost)

Eliza. R. Snow: "Let [the sisters] seek for wisdom instead of power and they will have all the power they have wisdom to exercise." (As quoted by Julie Beck, “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit” April 2010 GC.)

Vanity/Pride:
Hypocrisy (casting stones at others)
Being easily offended

Charity/Sanctification:
Sincere repentance and a compassionate heart
Becoming a true follower of Christ

Alma 34:28, “If ye turn away the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and the afflicted, and impart of your substance, if ye have, to those who stand in need—I say unto you, your prayer is vain, and availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith.”


Vanity/Pride:
Being worried about other’s opinions of you

Charity/Sanctification:
Moving forward with courage and faith

Consider the story of Esther, who was more concerned about saving her people than she was about the King’s opinion, and ultimately her own life. Many people would have died if she had been concerned about man’s opinion.

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Vanity/Pride:
Self-pity
Wallowing in your depression, your sadness
your trials.

Charity/Sanctification:
Empathy for others
Thinking about others’ needs

Matt. 10:39 "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."

I do not want to minimize feelings of sadness and depression and say that they are because you are unrighteous. I, myself, have experienced this many times in my life. I see now how these are times in my life when Satan is engaging me in a battle he hopes I will lose so that he can convince me that I am worth nothing and will never accomplish anything of greatness in this life. I have found that Satan does this at the times when he most fears my strength. Over the years, I have learned a valuable lesson on how to fight back.

As a young woman in my second year of college, I suffered from eating disorders—rooted in my years of strict ballet training. I was falling apart and had no sense of self-worth. I asked my mother for advice and she said only, “In as much as ye lose yourself for my sake, ye shall find yourself.” Shortly after that I decided to volunteer at a Women’s Crisis center and it was through that service I found my strength to overcome this problem in my life. I promised the Lord that when I was feeling badly about my physical appearance or myself, I would seek to serve others.

Many years later, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan and I had two newly adopted children from Africa with behavioral and learning issues. I was left alone for 17 months to raise 7 children. I slowly spiraled downward until I had to go to the hospital. Normally, I am a strong capable person, but the stress had depleted my reserves and the more I felt the weight of my trials and focused on my own problems, the lower I descended. One day I remembered the lesson of my youth and decided that I would test the Lord again. I needed to find myself —my strength, my purpose and my self-confidence. I determined that I would do three acts of service each day, a nice note for my husband overseas , a special act of service for my children so that they would know how much I love them (and help me to recognize that motherhood truly is a great act of service), and an act of service or a random act of kindness for someone around me. It took several months of this, but I found that my personal strength returned and through that I was able to take on my challenges with grace. In fact, I got to a point that not only could I handle my highly energetic children with a great sense of humor, I also had the courage to move my children across the country to our next duty station by myself.

As women, our greatest strength and sense of personal worth comes from embracing all that is promised to us by virtue of our gender. That means compassion, service, empathy, virtue, chastity, motherhood and charity. As I was contemplating this matter and preparing for this talk, these words came clearly into my mind, just as if someone next to me had spoken them:

As long as we seek power, beauty or notoriety by the standards of the world, and in ways contrary to the divinity of our gender, we will inevitably be left with feelings of emptiness, insecurity and insignificance.

When we halt between two opinions, our defenses are weakened and Satan has the ability to destroy our self-worth. He then can easily deceive us into making choices that would harm ourselves and, consequently, our families. As women, our choices affect generations. President Hinckley once stated, “If you save a girl, you save generations.” The opposite of that is also true—and Satan is well aware of that fact!

In my field, personal confidence is called differentiation and studies have shown that the differentiation level, or level of self-confidence of the parent, is almost always passed down to the children. I have seen this time and time again in session. If the parents question their worth, almost always the children question their worth.

Often, we as parents would like to believe that we can separate our actions and personal beliefs from those of our children, but children are not capable of making such distinctions. Children, do not just learn from us, they are like sponges and they absorb our moods, our actions, our love, our flaws, our swear words and our self-confidence—and those things become part of who they are.

As we seek to find our personal value and build our confidence by serving others, by increasing our knowledge and wisdom in the gospel and by seeking virtue in all things, we will be blessed with a sense of purpose that will trickle down into our children’s lives.

I appreciate the words Pres. Joseph F. Smith spoke of his mother: “Do you think I can forget the example of my mother? No; her faith and her example will ever be bright in my memory. What do I think! Every breath I breathe, every feeling of my soul rises to God in thankfulness to Him that my mother was a Saint, that she was a woman of God, pure and faithful, and that she would suffer death rather than betray the trust committed to her;. . .” (See Daughters in My Kingdom, p. 151-52.)

Where would this prophet have been if his mother had allowed Satan to deter her from her faithful self-confidence? What if she had instead sought to spend her time on her looks, or gossiping and criticizing other sisters, or being easily offended and jealous? Perhaps, he would not have been a prophet at all?

How can we expect our children to know their worth if we do not know and accept our own? Knowing our divine nature and being confident that the Lord knows us individually and has a unique plan for our lives is the greatest gift we can give our children as well as being our greatest defense against Satan.

When Satan sends his seemingly overwhelming messages of worthlessness, trying to convince us that we are not fully appreciated in our roles as wives, mothers and daughters of God, remember the words of Eliza R. Snow:

“We like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibilities up on us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify for those responsibilities.” (As quoted by Julie Beck, “And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit” April 2010 GC.)

Sisters, we know who we are. We know what we stand for and we know we have no choice but to be the “defenders of the hearth” and the foot soldiers of compassion. True self-esteem and personal confidence comes from embracing righteous womanhood and allowing ourselves to feel our own strength and power in the Holy Ghost. As Pres. Packer said: “Perhaps you won’t be quite perfect, but you can come close enough.” (“The Spirit of Revelation,” Oct. 1999, GC.)

In times of discouragement, remember it is Satan who seeks to attack you and convince you to seek for vain validation—instead, go forth and serve and you will find the purpose and self-esteem you seek!

The words of Sister Margaret Nadauld beautifully summarize that truth of which I speak:

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.
Oh, how we pray that every. . . woman will. . . be all the wonderful things she is meant to be. . . . May daughters of God honor the priesthood and sustain worthy priesthood holders. May they understand their own great capacity for strength in the timeless virtues that some would scoff at in a modern, liberated world for women." (“The Joy of Womanhood” Oct. 2000 GC.)

I would like to express my great love to each of you. There are times as I sit in sessions with clients, that I am filled with an overwhelming love for them. I know that love is not necessarily from me, but it is the perfect love of our Savior for that person that he is sending through me. He knows us, He loves us and He wants us to feel that same love for ourselves. Only then can we be instruments in His hands as we fill our families and our communities with that overwhelming pure love and joy of Christ’s gospel. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.