We had amazing moments, punctuated by amusing but linguistically confusing moments, and then it all culminated with $2000 worth of valuables being stolen from our rental car. However, before I tell the whole dramatic ending, let me start from the beginning and recount the entirety of the vacation drama. I will just preface this by saying because my laptop was stolen, most all of my pictures that I took are now at the disposal of Puerto Rican street thugs. I "borrowed" many of these scenery pictures to show you what we experienced on vacation. I hope that I didn't break any copyright laws--I'm not claiming they're mine and I very much appreciate those who are ignorantly letting me borrow them to tell my story and salvage some tangible memories of our adventure in paradise/hell.DAY 1
Two happy, madly in love vacationers departed from Nashville and fly to Puerto Rico ecstatic to be free of incessant chaos and an unrelenting barrage of "Mom, can we have. . . ? " "Dad, will you . . . ?". The pair are met in San Juan by a sweet tropical breeze blowing through their hair, beautiful tropical flora adorning the vividly painted buildings, and countless maniacal, narcissistic drivers battling on a angry rush hour battlefield. They giggled like little schoolgirls in the month of May as they inched their way down the crowded thoroughfares toward Old San Juan. Not knowing where to park, they drove for a ridiculous amount of time in circles around the same ancient city street block until finally they noticed that every other car was illegally parked, and you know what they say to do when in Rome. So the normally law abiding lovers succumbed to the evil customs of the island and parked in a tow away zone.
From there, the two incredibly attractive individuals strolled hand in hand for blocks, because the particular tow away zone they chose was way too far away from the Spanish conquistador fortress they intended to see. 
By the time they arrived, their summer clothing that they were so excited to finally wear was soaked and sticking rather uncomfortably to their bodies. But the fortress was spectacular and the view of the ocean and the bay astounding. It was the perfect mix of historical strata and scenic ambiance. 
The star crossed lovers thought that they had died and finally gone on the heavenly vacation they'd so desperately needed from their seven crazy children (especially because for many years death seemed like the only option for vacation).
By the time they arrived, their summer clothing that they were so excited to finally wear was soaked and sticking rather uncomfortably to their bodies. But the fortress was spectacular and the view of the ocean and the bay astounding. It was the perfect mix of historical strata and scenic ambiance. The star crossed lovers thought that they had died and finally gone on the heavenly vacation they'd so desperately needed from their seven crazy children (especially because for many years death seemed like the only option for vacation). Finally, the dynamic duo set out in search of fine cuisine to end the fabulous day right. After driving over bouncing cobblestone streets in an old town with a quaint European flavor, the connoisseurs of fine dining settled on Hard Rock Cafe, San Juan, and were decidedly ripped off by poorly prepared food at three times the normal cost.
With disappointed palettes, but full stomachs, the two headed southward to Humacao and the Barefoot Traveler's Inn. It was a small house and sparse by American standards, but relatively inexpensive nonetheless. Just before crashing into a very hard bed, the lovely couple took a romantic dip in a slightly underheated pool. No, it wasn't the Hilton, but they were so in love with each other and their new found silence, they fell asleep expressly content.
With disappointed palettes, but full stomachs, the two headed southward to Humacao and the Barefoot Traveler's Inn. It was a small house and sparse by American standards, but relatively inexpensive nonetheless. Just before crashing into a very hard bed, the lovely couple took a romantic dip in a slightly underheated pool. No, it wasn't the Hilton, but they were so in love with each other and their new found silence, they fell asleep expressly content.DAY 2
Alright, that's enough of that. I'm a dork, you don't have to say it twice. Really, it wasn't dramatic enough to write it as a romance novel and there definitely wasn't as much steamy romance as a good vampire love story, so I guess I'll just take it from here as an editorial.
I scheduled for us to go out early on a Discover Scuba dive in Fajardo. We got out to the boat, watched the video, got fitted for scuba gear and sailed half way out to the reef when the boat broke down because of high waves and an electrical failure. Now, looking back, I think it was an omen of more bad luck to come, but at the time Brian and I took it in stride. We headed back to the little inn where we made plans for the rest of the week--which was no easy task because everything kept falling through and we had to make a ton of phone calls in Spanglish. The whole thing was immensely frustrating, but we thought we finally solidified an itinerary.
At 3 pm we went with the owner of the little inn on a sea kayaking trip to Monkey Island. We went with two other people staying at the inn with us. The woman had never really done anything akin to kayaking and was afraid of the water, so they took the double kayak and Brian and I were left to go it each alone.
I was really nervous when I saw those relentless waves coming at me. I felt very alone in that little plastic kayak, but I paddled like my life depended on it (which it sort of did). I did my best, but when everyone else was tired, they could just take a break for a second and not be blown back to shore, but not me! We stopped and tried to snorkel at a ship wreck just off the shore of the island, but the waves were so strong, I was swept into a jagged, rusted metal beam sticking vertically up from the ocean floor, and cut my foot. Thus, ended our brief snorkeling attempt. We then went to to the side of the island protected from the wind and for the first time, I relaxed and actually enjoyed myself. We saw several monkeys swinging in the trees and running along the beach. The island, as a side note, was delineated as a monkey reserve for experiments back in the 1930s. It is against the law for anyone to go onto the island, so we remained about 30 feet offshore at all times.
I was really nervous when I saw those relentless waves coming at me. I felt very alone in that little plastic kayak, but I paddled like my life depended on it (which it sort of did). I did my best, but when everyone else was tired, they could just take a break for a second and not be blown back to shore, but not me! We stopped and tried to snorkel at a ship wreck just off the shore of the island, but the waves were so strong, I was swept into a jagged, rusted metal beam sticking vertically up from the ocean floor, and cut my foot. Thus, ended our brief snorkeling attempt. We then went to to the side of the island protected from the wind and for the first time, I relaxed and actually enjoyed myself. We saw several monkeys swinging in the trees and running along the beach. The island, as a side note, was delineated as a monkey reserve for experiments back in the 1930s. It is against the law for anyone to go onto the island, so we remained about 30 feet offshore at all times.That night we went back to Fajardo, this time with sea kayaks. Our guide led us across the harbor toward a pitch black shoreline. When we got up close to the shoreline, we found ourselves in a small mangrove canal. It was particularly dark and I could just barely see the outline of the trees above my head to be able to navigate through the canal. It was hauntingly serene. And the kayaking was much less rigorous than earlier in the day. The farther we paddled down the black canal, a strange thing began to happen. The water began to sparkle and as it fell off of the oar, it shimmered like diamonds. 
The sides of the canal also began to glow and sparkle and I could roughly make out an glittering outline of the mangrove roots. Then the confining darkness of the canal gave way to a large black lagoon with the hollow glow of the city lights overhead. I realized as I paddled that each stroke of the oar produced a shimmering blue glow in the water. 
And the water that had fallen into the bottom of the kayak looked like diamonds rolling around under my feet. The guide told us to thump our foot against the bottom of the kayak. When we did, the results were remarkable. The fish would swim in all directions, lighting up the water exactly like a fireworks display. When the fish swam away from the kayak, we could see their outline illuminated in the water. At one point, I thumped my kayak and a glowing southern ray, about two feet in diameter, sped out from underneath my kayak and away into the darkness. I have done A LOT of incredible things in my life, but this had to rank in the top three. I loved every minute of it. I felt like I was in the scene in Avatar when Jake runs through the nighttime jungle and all of the plants glow and sparkle when touched. It was uniquely beautiful.
The sides of the canal also began to glow and sparkle and I could roughly make out an glittering outline of the mangrove roots. Then the confining darkness of the canal gave way to a large black lagoon with the hollow glow of the city lights overhead. I realized as I paddled that each stroke of the oar produced a shimmering blue glow in the water. And the water that had fallen into the bottom of the kayak looked like diamonds rolling around under my feet. The guide told us to thump our foot against the bottom of the kayak. When we did, the results were remarkable. The fish would swim in all directions, lighting up the water exactly like a fireworks display. When the fish swam away from the kayak, we could see their outline illuminated in the water. At one point, I thumped my kayak and a glowing southern ray, about two feet in diameter, sped out from underneath my kayak and away into the darkness. I have done A LOT of incredible things in my life, but this had to rank in the top three. I loved every minute of it. I felt like I was in the scene in Avatar when Jake runs through the nighttime jungle and all of the plants glow and sparkle when touched. It was uniquely beautiful.DAY 3
This was the only day where our plans actually turned out like we intended--or maybe even better than we had hoped. It was a day filled with crazy adventure. We woke up at 5 am to drive to Canovanas and meet up with Aventuras Puerto Rico for a canyoning adventure in the jungle. We drove up into the hills into what looked like a little forest neighborhood. We hiked down into the jungle and were given a quick crash course in the use of via ferratas (iron roadways, directly translated from Italian. . . I think). We were outfitted with harnesses and rock climbing gear, life jackets and helmets. We were also given small backpacks with our food and cameras double bagged in ziploc bags--because we were about to get soaked!
First, we hiked further down a hill into the jungle. We then came to the place where we slid down onto the side of a giant rock and hooked into the via ferrata with our gear. 
We crossed a giant crevasse and climbed up the side of a cliff and around to the side where we rappelled down about 75 feet over the edge of a cliff. On our right was a massive, thundering waterfall cascading down the rock wall about 20 yards from the rappel. 
We then scaled across the face of another cliff on via ferratas and came to a giant zipline (this is where I am so sad that I lost most all of these pictures, it was such an incredible experience I wish that I could fully document it). I have a morbid fear of heights, so this little outing was a huge test of my resolve. When I came to the zipline and looked down the 100 feet of line, which descended from the cliff face where I clung to a boulder at the bottom, I thought my breakfast was about to reappear. But I swallowed hard and went for it. It was quite a drop once the safety rope released and my body flew into the air. I didn't make a noise, I just waited for it to end. . . which it did when my body splashed into the frigid mountain water. Brian was no where near as intimidated. In fact, he emitted a giant war cry and then sprawled his body out flat right before disappearing below the water. We climbed up on a giant boulder and jumped into the water again, then we swam up river and climbed up under the waterfall. After that we swam back down river where they had a little cup of hot chocolate waiting for each of us.
We crossed a giant crevasse and climbed up the side of a cliff and around to the side where we rappelled down about 75 feet over the edge of a cliff. On our right was a massive, thundering waterfall cascading down the rock wall about 20 yards from the rappel. We then scaled across the face of another cliff on via ferratas and came to a giant zipline (this is where I am so sad that I lost most all of these pictures, it was such an incredible experience I wish that I could fully document it). I have a morbid fear of heights, so this little outing was a huge test of my resolve. When I came to the zipline and looked down the 100 feet of line, which descended from the cliff face where I clung to a boulder at the bottom, I thought my breakfast was about to reappear. But I swallowed hard and went for it. It was quite a drop once the safety rope released and my body flew into the air. I didn't make a noise, I just waited for it to end. . . which it did when my body splashed into the frigid mountain water. Brian was no where near as intimidated. In fact, he emitted a giant war cry and then sprawled his body out flat right before disappearing below the water. We climbed up on a giant boulder and jumped into the water again, then we swam up river and climbed up under the waterfall. After that we swam back down river where they had a little cup of hot chocolate waiting for each of us.Once again we continued on more via ferratas and zip lines until we got to the bottom of the second giant waterfall.
There we ate lunch and cliff jumped for awhile. I chose the lower cliff, about 20 feet up and Brian chose the higher cliff, about 40-50 feet up. 
I didn't do well with the cold water because I struggle to maintain my body heat in 80 degree weather. I told Brian I may be the only person who could die of hypothermia in Miami in the summer. At one point, just before the last task which was a rock climb up a 60 foot cliff, I was shaking violently from cold. The tour guides called out for everyone to gather around me. So everyone huddled in close and then the tour guide said, "Alright, now everyone pee!" The tour guides were crazy funny and made an exciting adventure highly entertaining. After rock climbing the cliff--which was my favorite part, we hiked up a mountain through the thick jungle back to the bus. It was an exhausting but incredibly fun day! I think I really conquered one of my greatest fears!
There we ate lunch and cliff jumped for awhile. I chose the lower cliff, about 20 feet up and Brian chose the higher cliff, about 40-50 feet up. I didn't do well with the cold water because I struggle to maintain my body heat in 80 degree weather. I told Brian I may be the only person who could die of hypothermia in Miami in the summer. At one point, just before the last task which was a rock climb up a 60 foot cliff, I was shaking violently from cold. The tour guides called out for everyone to gather around me. So everyone huddled in close and then the tour guide said, "Alright, now everyone pee!" The tour guides were crazy funny and made an exciting adventure highly entertaining. After rock climbing the cliff--which was my favorite part, we hiked up a mountain through the thick jungle back to the bus. It was an exhausting but incredibly fun day! I think I really conquered one of my greatest fears! DAY 4
Once again, Brian and I set out early in the morning for Fajardo to try scuba diving with the same company that had earlier experienced boat troubles. I was really nervous to scuba dive. Along with my morbid fear of heights, I have an unreasonable fear of sharks and of my lungs exploding--okay, I didn't actually develop that fear until after watching the video about why not to surface too quickly. When we got to the dive shop, wouldn't you know it, once again the boat had broken down that morning. We waited and waited for it to be fixed and finally the dive shop set us up to do our discover scuba dive with another little dive shop further up the coast near the bio luminescent bay. After getting lost and doing several Uturns, we got there and waited for them to assemble all of their gear and all of the passengers going out. After waiting for another hour and a half, we finally headed down to the dock. As it turned out, it was an outing of mostly friends who were fully certified to dive, except for us. And they all spoke mostly Spanish, except for us--which ultimately I became very thankful for the gift of being monolingual.
There was one woman on the boat who was very loud and obnoxious. We came to learn that they bring her along on trips to "entertain" the men. Technically, she wasn't whoring herself out, however, she was all but doing that. She danced and sang as if she were inebriated. She laughed raucously and then proceeded to bleat like a goat. The resemblance was disturbingly uncanny. Then at one point, she sat down and talked to us and discovered we were Mormon and had seven children. She seemed nice enough, but the next thing we knew she was in the cabin of the boating speaking only in Spanish, laughing and motioning toward us. The others would turn and look periodically and laugh. I've always known people think we're peculiar, but this was the first time we'd been openly mocked--except I think they thought since we didn't speak Spanish we wouldn't be intelligent enough to figure out what they are talking about.
There was another gentleman on the boat that didn't speak even two words of English, but every time I turned around he was right there staring at me with a giant smile. At first I smiled back, being the sweet, loving person that I am. Then when his constant gaze and smile began to remind me of Cheshire Cat, my stomach turned a little. For five hours, every time I turned around he was right there staring at me. Finally, I wanted to yell, "Dude! Haven't you ever seen a white, Mormon woman with a boob job before? Take a vacation to Utah already! They're a dime a dozen!" However, it wouldn't have worked because I didn't know how to say that in Spanish. Brian just watched the guy and laughed at his blatant desperation.
We finally came to a little key called Lobos key. It is a private island owned by a widow. No one is allowed on the island, but it is surrounded by gorgeous reefs that reach almost to the surface of the water. We donned all of our scuba gear and jumped in the water. I was shaking, I was so nervous, but my pride kept me from backing out. Because I have a tiny head, I needed a child sized mask, but I didn't have that, so my mask kept filling with water. The only way I could adjust it was to take my hair out of my ponytail. We lowered slowly down to the ocean floor about 20ish feet down. I couldn't figure out how to sink at first and I kept rising up to the surface. Brian had a similar problem as well. Brian has such big lungs, that every time he took a breath he'd float upward. I just didn't have enough weight to keep me down so the instructor had to get more weights and put them in my gear. 
I also learned how to dive down using the strength of my flippers while at the same time using my hands to clear my ears. It took about fifteen or so minutes before I got the hang of everything and really began to enjoy myself. The problem that I ran into was that unlike snorkeling where the air escapes out of the snorkel away from the face, in scuba the bubbles are constantly in front of your eyes. Which, when combined with my hair that I had removed from it's ponytail, they almost entirely obstructed my view. 
I really had a wonderful time, but it was a little challenging having to constantly adjust my gear and clear my ears and move my hair. Brian LOVED scuba diving and is determined that we will soon certify. I'm ambivalent about that right now.
I also learned how to dive down using the strength of my flippers while at the same time using my hands to clear my ears. It took about fifteen or so minutes before I got the hang of everything and really began to enjoy myself. The problem that I ran into was that unlike snorkeling where the air escapes out of the snorkel away from the face, in scuba the bubbles are constantly in front of your eyes. Which, when combined with my hair that I had removed from it's ponytail, they almost entirely obstructed my view. I really had a wonderful time, but it was a little challenging having to constantly adjust my gear and clear my ears and move my hair. Brian LOVED scuba diving and is determined that we will soon certify. I'm ambivalent about that right now.
After lounging in the sun on the deck of the boat, taking in the magnificent view of the island and carribean blue waters, the other divers went back down for the second tank and we went to snorkel the reef. I LOVE snorkeling. The reef was beautiful. I have to admit that when you've snorkeled the Red Sea and Belize, everything else is a little anticlimactic. Nonetheless, I still saw beautiful schools of fish and the coral was especially colorful. 
The brain coral is so fascinating to me, and we saw all kinds of black sea urchins and anenomes. It was fantastic! And by the time we drug our exhausted bodies back into the boat the second time, we were ready to head back.
The brain coral is so fascinating to me, and we saw all kinds of black sea urchins and anenomes. It was fantastic! And by the time we drug our exhausted bodies back into the boat the second time, we were ready to head back.On the way back the woman who had come with us sat down to talk to me. As we talked I told her that I was currently going to grad school in marriage and family therapy. She said, "Oh, really? I need help!" She started telling me about her exhusband. Then she started talking about her teenager and how confrontational he is and how he is always calling her and trying to bait her into arguments. I replied, "Don't get baited in. He wants you to fight with him because then he knows how emotionally connected you are. Just tell him how wonderful you think he is and how much you love him." Her eyes sparkled and she said, "you so smart, thank you so much!" We talked some more and I reiterated the advice, but during the course of the rest of the conversation I realized that I had gotten lost in her Spanglish and I had just given her advice on how to deal with her exhusband and not her teenage son. Oh well, lesson learned, don't give family therapy advice when you are having a hard time understanding what the heck they are saying! She, however, was apparently thrilled with my advice because she hugged me and said, "You so pretty." Then she got up and started flirting with all the men on the boat again, specifically the captain (our scuba instructor). I turned around to see her foot caressing his crotch in front of everyone as she spoke animatedly in Spanish. The really disturbing part was that the captain was wearing a speedo--I didn't have to speak Spanish to know what he thought about all of it. :p Yuck! All in all, it was a fun day and a cool experience, but it is the first time that I actually said a prayer and thanked the Lord for NOT knowing how to speak another language.
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