So Much to Say. . . So Little Time

Wow! So much has transpired in the last month--which explains why I haven't had time to post on my blog. First of all, I am about half way through my second Marriage and Family Therapy grad school class. I have never connected with an academic discipline like I have with this. This past year was insanely challenging for me and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. However, now I can see how everything I went through prepared me, and I think pushed me toward this calling in life. I really questioned everything I believed which was a huge blessing to me. I was able to peel back all the layers of religion, cultural religion, doctrine, personal inspiration, church structure, etc. to find exactly what I believe and how it impacts my life directly. I was also able to see that we live in a world of a million shades of gray and life is not nearly as black and white as many people would like to believe--in fact, black and white can only be defined in the terms of an individual's life context. Understanding the ambiguity and relativity that is an inherent part of our existence gave me the ability to accept all of the different approaches to life with love and acceptance. This past year taught me more than anything that the most important things we can do in life is to cultivate loving relationship with others--never judging, forgiving, and realizing that no two people can ever see the world in the same color. I distinctly learned these lessons in the past year, but they were solidified when I got my "supplemental" surgery in October. That was one of the best choices I have ever made, not only because I look great and have more confidence than ever, but because it was a defining moment in my life where I realized that how I view the world is just as legitimate as my parents, in-laws, siblings, even if it is different. Now in my education, this very point is reiterated time and time again. This approach to others is something that I have always strived for, but now I am being trained how to implement it in my relationships with others. There is a quote from one of my text books that I absolutely love that I think we are all ultimately striving for in our relationships in order to ultimately be more Christlike:

"There are times when there is something very sacred about being a therapist. Something about catching people at their deepest core. Just in the process of being together, something happens that may not have anything to do with therapy--almost a sacred communication. It's stronger than anything else that happens (Baldwin, 2000, p. 203)."

I feel very blessed to be learning all of this and I think it fits who I am, how I view the world, and who I want to be. That being said, it is very time consuming--but I am also blessed with unreal organization skills and self-discipline--it's almost like it's a disorder!! I work very hard and I am finishing classes in about 6 weeks. Right now my grade in my first class is 99.98% and my teacher told me that she feels "privileged" to read my papers. This is amazing to hear because I feel like 99.98% of my papers are totally BS--but I guess beautifully written BS gets good grades :)!

So I went in for an MRI for my back. Sure enough, I have a herniated disk that is impinging on the nerve running down my left leg which causes severe pain and burning, then it will go freezing cold and my leg will go numb and I can't move my foot as well. Anyway, it has been bothering me off and on since I broke my tail bone last February, but I really did it in when I did that huge move all by myself in August because I am so determined I will push through pain and not ask for help. I've been suffering ever since and I finally went in to the doctor and I so hate it when the doctor tells me the same thing Brian has already told me. He likes it so much that he does this little "I told you so" dance that is painful to watch--for so many reasons. I am now going to physical therapy to help me. I hope that works because I am getting pretty sick of the pain.

Anyway, apparently on the MRI reading the doctors saw a large lesion in my kidney that didn't look good. The doctor called me on a Thursday afternoon of a four day weekend and dropped that news on me. The way she said it was so evasive--it reminded me of when my sister Tiffany got her ultrasound with Gavin and his arm was obviously missing. I pointed it out to the ultra sound technician and they knew I was right but they didn't want to say it so they kept avoiding the seriousness. So in short, this conversation I had was awkward and it felt like they were trying to avoid telling me something serious. That night I really started to contemplate my mortality and what I would leave behind if I were to die. I looked around at all my children and realized I haven't been the mother I really want to be. I really want to make sure they all knew how unconditionally I love each of them. I also thought about all of my extended family relationships and how important it is to keep and cultivate those relationships. I had a very clear understanding of how important it is to quickly forgive others and move on. If we take too long to give our love, forgiveness and acceptance to others, there may be a time when it's just too late. I realized after that phone call how important it is to live without regrets and our greatest regrets in life come from negelecting our relationships with others. I cried for several nights as I thought about all these things. It was a well-needed wake up call to remind me what is truly important in life. I went in this past Monday for further testing and they found out that it is just a giant cyst in my right kidney. There is nothing they will do or need to do medically since I am asymptomatic. I will just live life with a cyst in my kidney and hope it doesn't rupture. The nice thing about kidneys is that you have two but actually only need one, so no worries, I'm good to go.

After my initial scare, I got over the feeling that I was going to die and then was just scared that my kidney condition would somehow infringe upon our opportunity to move to Korea. But, hallelujah, it won't! So as of right now we are moving to Korea this summer. I don't know all the details yet. They were going to send Brian to San Antonio for the captain's career course on the way to Korea, but the course doesn't start until July and doesn't end until September which would make school very difficult for the children. Because we want to be settled in a home (or a small apartment) before school starts, we asked to report in Korea at the end of July. We should be getting orders in the next couple of weeks and then we have to request command sponsorship to ensure that we can go as a family and they won't just send Brian. Then we have to decide if we want to stay two or three years. I am leaning toward three, Brian says two, we'll see. Our life always takes crazy, unexpected turns. I think I thrive on the craziness of it, but I am starting to long for a little permanence somewhere.

For Valentine's Day Brian gave me a great gift, but it has turned out to not be exactly what I envisioned. He told me we could go anywhere in the world together because my brother had offered to come stay with the kids while we went somewhere and we got a huge tax return. My parents are leading a tour to Israel and we really wanted to go there until we found out the ages of most of the people on the tour and let's just say it should be titled as: A Tour of the Ancients by the Ancients. Then we looked into going to Greece, but it just didn't seem to feel right and we then considered that jet lag would probably make it less fun. I next thought of Peru because I have always wanted to hike Machu Picchu but it was going to be about 9 days of away time. My brother would come the whole time, but I knew it would be hard on him, so we were going to have my mother in law come for a few days and then baptize Florence, but she couldn't get away from work--so we eliminated Peru. Thus, we have now downgraded to Puerto Rico and getting scuba certified. Brian is super excited, it is a dream come true for him. I think that is great and he deserves to get to do what he wants after a year at war more than I do. I have to admit I have a fear of sharks that makes me a little nervous to do this and I'm not super excited about the Caribbean, but I'm just ready to have a break from the kids after 16 months of raising them alone! I think we'll be going in April, I'm still solidifying reservations and plans right now.

My brother came up to visit for this past weekend and it was a blast. I just have to say how much I love my brother. We are only 13 months apart and I always introduce him as my little brother (which drives him crazy) and is especially funny since he is double my size. But, I have always felt so protective of him and he has always, and it seems to be stronger than ever, had this need to tease me relentlessly. Now his favorite thing is to get Brian to join in and have Mock Jess Fest. I admit it, I don't mind at all--they're my two favorite guys and I legitimately deserve mocking! My children also adore their Uncle Justin. He does the coolest things with them, tells them these crazy stories at bedtime and plays with them like he is one of the kids. He did these seven quests where they had to accomplish these crazy things as a team--in silence (how awesome is that?). It was so fun to watch them try to work together without talking--it's a mother's dream come true. We had a great weekend and Justin took our family pictures and we played marshmellow gun wars in the woods. Justin really is one of the coolest people I know.