Shark Boy and Slobba Girl

I handle my children with a lot of joking and sarcasm. I know it probably is the worst way to raise your children . . . but it works well for us. I remember one time I told Oakley that we needed to go somewhere. He asked, "Should I get in the car, Mom?" I was a little irritated by such a question, so I replied, "No Oakley, you're supposed to hang on to the outside while I drive." He started laughing, "I love it when you joke like that, Mom." My kids like my sense of humor and are slowly starting to catch on themselves. I love it when they come up with really great come backs!

So, when I came up with new nicknames for my children, they were very quick to embrace them. Giselle told me she is a fairy. Of course she is! She's Stinker Bell. . . every single day. . . with or without wings. Sophia is The Brain (from Pinky and the brain) for her quiet planning of ways she will take over the world. Gwynyth is a funny dichotomy of a personality. She is confident and happy and outgoing and stylish and athletic. However, she is also sometimes a little oblivious to things that one should notice, like a glass on the counter, or someone's toes as she runs laughing through the house. Thus, we have always called her a bull in a china shop. Her name is now El Toro. She likes it because it sounds fierce. Diamond has this problem that his permanent teeth have come in behind his baby teeth, so he has two sets of teeth in his mouth--so accordingly he received the nickname of Shark Boy. Florence has a terrible overbite that causes her to drool so much she has a streak of dried spit across her face in the morning and she spits when she talks. So we named her Slobba girl. They're my super hero team that any orthodontist will love: Shark Boy and Slobba Girl!

When we went with Brian to the Nashville Science Museum, they were holding the Tennessee State Yo-Yo Competition. We went in to watch briefly. Let's just say that most of the contestants were teenage to mid twenties young men who were a little on the hygenically and socially challenged side. As we left, Oakley whispered to me, "Those guys are kind of nerdy, Mom." I responded, "Yeah, maybe a little, but at least they have some sort of talent instead of just sitting in front of the computer." I elbowed him. We've been having some problems with Oakley withdrawing and refusing to try to make any friends. In fact, we've been arguing about it quite a bit. The more I try to get him to go out and do physical activities and play with the neighbor kids, the more he obstinate he becomes. So, one night I bought him a yo-yo and brought it home to him. He is now known as Yo-Yo Mon. Chloe is still waiting for her perfect nickname. They call me Starla from Napoleon Dynamite--that's a long story.

We just got over what we think was the Swine Flu. We're not completely sure because I don't take kids to the doctor unless they're close to death. However, our friends from church that we were hanging out with right before we got sick also got sick and it was ascertained as H1N1. We had all the same symptoms, so I am assuming it was the same thing. God was merciful to me and I only got fever, aches, chills, and headaches for four days, but I was still mostly functional. The kids were a little sicker than I was and missed several days of school.

We are feeling much better. In fact, the kids threw a video party for all the neighbor kids Friday night. I got the movie, "Monsters vs. Aliens" which sort of seems like the perfect theme for life at my house. I had 15 kids in my house and 10 bags of popcorn. You can see where I'm going with that. . . I also had several middle schoolers of both sexes who wanted to go play truth or dare upstairs. I let them, but threatened that if there was anything inappropriate I would pull their eyeballs out through their nostrils. When that game got boring (due to lack of impropriety), I took them out to play flashlight wars. I then made them icees and sent them out to the front porch to eat them. I heard one of the boys yell, "Hey guys there's a racoon, come see." So all 15 children chased the racoon down the street in a giant, menacing herd. Only. . . it wasn't a racoon. Suddenly, I heard the trampling feet quickly returning as they all screamed, "It's not a racoon! It's a skunk!" By the grace of heaven, not one of the children was sprayed. But, that poor terrified skunk sprayed a truck load somewhere and the entire neighborhood wreaked!

Diamond told me at dinner the other night that he has a girlfriend. He said that he walks into class every morning and says, "Hi, Hot Stuff." (Background note: Brian says this to me everytime we talk. So he learned this from his father.) While it may be a little funny, I'm just afraid that the principal is going to kick him out of school for sexual harrassment in the 1st grade. So we had to have a talk about when it is okay to date and have girlfriends. He said, "Okay, Mom, but her hair is so nice. It goes like this." (He flips his hand around his head in waves.) Then he told me, "Well, when I grow up, I'm going to be a ladies' man." I guess we all need something to aspire to. I just hope that's a hobby and not a paid profession.

Florence is struggling in school like always. I'm afraid this will be the way it always will be, too. It can be so frustrating sometimes that I feel like it would be more fun to bang my head on concrete than to help her try to understand math. We have been working on the same concepts with her for almost two years and she is making very little, almost imperceptible progress. I feel badly that I get so upset with her because I know it's not her fault. She's as frustrated as I am. Brian and I went in to the school for parent/teacher conferences. We want to move her back a grade, but the schools will not help us at all. I tried to explain to the teacher all that Florence has been through in her little lifetime and how she struggles with identity and self-esteem. When I finished telling her teacher many details of Florence's past, the teacher started crying. She said, "The other day, one of th children stood and read aloud to the class. When he finished, Florence started clapping and yelled out, 'Fabulous! Fabulous!' Now that I know her history I am so touched by her sweet spirit and how much she loves everyone around her." I guess that Florence had also told her teacher that she is a singer and proceeded to perform a number for High School Musical for everyone in the area. When I hear stuff like this it reminds me of how special this little girl is and how lucky I am to be raising her. It's hard, I won't lie. I struggle with a lot of frustrations and exhaustion with her. But really, I need to remember that she is a gift to me and I really am thankful for that.

Lastly, it is Simons family birthday season. Gwynyth turned 10 on Sept. 28, Giselle turned 4 yesterday, Florence is turning 8 on the 9th and Oakley, holy cow, is going to be 13 on Saturday the 10th. I can't believe my baby is no longer a baby and my oldest is a teenager. Life goes fast. I am so happy to be their mother, even on the hard days.