Naked in Front of the Crowd

I hadn't really realized how many people actually read my blog until I installed the little stat counter on the side. I was especially unaware of all of the first time visitors outside of my friends and family circles. With this new awareness, I suddenly feel like I'm standing naked in front of a crowd. I really hesitated at first as to whether or not to allow my blog to be accessed by anyone, or if I should limit users. I have a problem with being overly candid and saying things that may come back to haunt me later. But, after some contemplation, I decided to keep it open with hopes that perhaps my words will in some way inspire or assure another of their own paths in life. And instead of hiding and attempting to maintain this ridiculous facade of being "amazing," I have opted for full (or almostfull) disclosure about who I really am--and believe me, it's not all pretty.

I have a sister-in-law that hates me and won't come around when I'm around. I don't dislike her at all, and I'm not quite sure what I have done to offend her. One evening I was discussing this issue with another sister-in-law who said, "You just have such a way of intimidating people and making them feel insecure." I found this statement incredibly ironic. Obviously, those who are intimidated by me have NO idea what is going on in my head, or they very well would change their mind. As I thought about this, I thought maybe that is true with all of us. We think something about a person based on what we see on the outside, and I would bet that most of the time our assumptions fall far short of the truth. We are all vulnerable and we all have burdens that we carry. Some burdens are placed upon our shoulders by circumstance or by the poor decisions of others. However, many more are placed on our shoulders by our own unrealistic expectations of how we think we should be--specifically in comparison to others.



I can imagine how I can come across to people. I am raising seven children by myself this year, I wrote a book, I'm going for my master's, I'm a yoga/ballet instructor, yada yada. . . but that's not the essence of who I am. Those are the things I do to try to find out who I am supposed to be. When Brian first left for training last September I felt that I was divided in half. I didn't know who I was anymore. I'm still struggling to find out. But in this time when I am required to stand on my own, I have very readily identified my weaknesses and now I have to find out how to make them my strengths. I am in the midst of this process, so I don't have any answers to give. Most days I feel like I am drowning, hoping just to come up for a single breath. The thought of swimming seems impossible.

Because I am already standing here, exposed for all to see, I figure I might as well come clean and confess the real me. I know that being overly forthright puts a lot of people on edge, but what I want more than anything is for people to stop hating each other or misjudging each other, and realize we all struggle with something. So here a few of my confessions--things that I have really been struggling with over the last few months and am hoping one day I to conquer:



I am an overachiever. This is not a good thing. By the world's standards it looks like I am very accomplished and successful. In truth, I am running from something--most likely myself--trying to prove that I am worth something afterall.



I am the crankiest mother that has ever walked the planet. My children are going to need years of counseling because of me. I yell--no, let's rephrase that--I spit fire like a dragon (especially during PMS week), at all innocent bystanders (children) in my home. I wish I had patience, but God skipped me when he was handing out that virtue, so I guess I just have to learn it the hard way--by failing miserably most days, but trying again and again to improve.

I really struggle with myself. There are days when I hate everything about me, I hate my nose, I hate the body parts that have moved south, my hair sucks, if only I were taller, if only I didn't have wrinkles. I hate it. I just want to know what it takes to be satisfied with your looks? It's a ridiculous bottomless pit. Or maybe more like the whack-a-mole game at Chuckie Cheese's. Every time you conquer one problem, another pops up. Whiten your teeth, get wrinkles, lose weight, pick up your boobs when you button your pants. I wish I didn't worry about it, but I do way more than I should. I don't know the answer.

I have goals and I pursue a lot of different things, but the truth is, I really don't know what my calling in life is supposed to be. Mother--definitely--and I know that I love that and I am good at that--but I feel there is more. Write books? Public speaking? Teaching? Ballet? I just can't seem to find myself. I pray for guidance, but it seems like I fail at more things than I succeed. I know people say that is part of success, but sometimes a lot of failures in one area means, go find something else to do. It's finding the right something else that is hard. I thought by my mid-thirties I might start having a clue about myself, but it seems like it sometimes get worse than better.

Okay, last confession: I don't edit my posts. . .much. I know I am supposed to be learning how to write and become an accomplished author, but some days I can't spell or punctuate worth crap. And some days I drone on and on with passive voice and make redundant points. . .and I am too tired to care.


I guess that I should give a fair and balanced story here because I do know that I have strengths--things I really value in myself--which may not be the obvious ones that people notice right away.

I love people. I try more than anything not to judge people. Mother Theresa (my personal hero), said, "If you judge people, you don't have time to love them." The opposite is also true, if you really love people you don't have time to judge them. I love having close friends and getting to know people intimately. I don't let go of friends easily. I worry about them and think about them all the time. I would do anything for anyone because I know what it feels like to be in need.

I am willing to do whatever is asked of me. People will ask me why I had so many kids, which some days I wonder myself, but the answer is that that's what I felt God was asking of me. I am willing to follow my husband to the ends of the earth, if that's what is asked of me. I'm not saying I don't complain, because as you can tell by this post, I am the queen of complaining, but I always go and do.

I'm a survivor (isn't that a Beyonce song?) and I make it through the tough times. Maybe not always well or with grace and beauty. In fact, there are some days where I am beat down and bloody. I have nights when I put the kids to bed and fall to pieces. Then I climb into bed and know that in the morning I'll put the pieces back together just a little better and keep going. . .until the next break down.

Lastly, I have a great sense of humor. I know this is a topic of relativity, but I love to laugh. I have a morbid affinity for sarcasm, irony, and parody. But laughter solves a lot of my problems, so I am always trying to make my kids and others laugh.

So I feel like I just did some sort of emotional strip tease. I took it all off and now everyone knows that I'm not actually "amazing" or "wonder woman" but merely a vulnerable, yet resilient woman--just like every other woman I know!